What a Wonderful Life

We had to let her go today.  She'd been through so much in just one week.  Feels like a separate, nightmarish lifetime. 

We tried so hard.  We knew the chances she'd get better after that first, terrible day were slim.  There were moments of hope.  A few hours she'd feel better, and we thought maybe we'd turned a corner and beat the odds.  It never lasted.  The medication barely slowed the fluid returning to her chest, and her tail and hind legs became weak and painful.  The vet believes a blood clot is to blame for her tail and leg symptoms, and it may or may not be related to the Chylothorax.  The worst thing to witness were the seizure-like episodes we couldn't do a thing about and could have been fatal for her.

Through it all, Tala stayed her same, sweet self.  We gave her so many reasons to lose her trust in us.  All the shuttling back and forth in the carrier she hated, getting manhandled, restrained, poked, prodded, shaved.  Having pills forced in her mouth when she didn't have enough appetite to eat the ones we mixed into her food.  Despite it all, she loved us.  She still purred when we stroked her, and she used what little energy she had to find where we were to be near us.  One of my most vivid memories from this past week is from the 2nd time we had to have her chest tapped and fluid drained.  They brought her to us after, wrapped in a blanket to keep her warm, as she now had a large bald spot, and had been doused in a good amount of alcohol for the procedure.  Tala had always been a claustrophobic kitty, the only cat I've ever seen who would never squeeze into a box or bag, so I knew being swaddled like a newborn was stressful for her.  She was placed all bundled up in my lap, a defeated look on her face.  Josh leaned over and gave her noisy kisses on her forehead (a routine between them that began shortly after we moved her in post-honeymoon) and she started purring loudly.  Made me smile and broke my heart at the same time.

 



This morning her breathing was getting difficult again, and her hind legs even more weak and unstable.  We knew she was too far gone, the hope of recovery too vague and too dim to justify putting her through the fear and pain of any more chest taps or forced medications. It was time to let go and let her rest.  My mom prepared a spot for her in their yard in Layton, right next to Snowball.  We buried her there with her blanket and Mousie, her favorite toy.  We'll plant flowers come Springtime.  We couldn't bring her home to bury, as the condo board would not approve, and we're hoping to move within the next year and didn't want to have to leave her behind. Even though I know that the part of her that loved us, that was really her, is free, happy, and at peace.



 

I'm taking the night off work.  The last week of pretending to be fine for my clients has been exhausting.  I came very close to losing it most unprofessionally during appointments a few times over the last week (thank goodness clients are facing down much of the time) today there is zero chance of keeping it together.  Our home feels empty.  For such a tiny thing, her loss has left a huge vacuum.  We loved her so much and will miss her for the rest of our lives. She was our first love.

 

What a wonderful life
For as long as you've been at my side
And I want you to know
I'll miss you so
And though our days come to an end
Know I'll never love like this again
What a wonderful life
My friend 

 

- Wonderful Life, Alter Bridge

What a Difference a Day Makes

Funny how things can change so quickly.  On Sunday night everything was great in my little world.  I had just picked up my Christmas tree, happily looking at lights on houses as I drove.  When I got home, I snuggled on the couch with my husband and kitty.  Life was normal, and good.

Just a few hours later, Josh and I woke up when Tala came in our room and gave a yowl like we had never heard before.  It's not unusual for her to loudly announce her presence at any time of the day or night, but this was different, more urgent.  Half asleep, I looked at her in the dim light and could tell something wasn't right, but couldn't quite grasp what.  Then I noticed instead of going straight up as usual, her tail was hanging down limply, and she wasn't jumping up to claim her usual spot on the bed. No more sleep for us. 

Josh gently felt around to see if he could find an injury of some sort.  Other than it was obviously painful around the base of her tail, no other physical signs could be found.  A little later Josh also noticed her breathing seemed labored.  The vet's office opens at 7, so we waited and waited for 7:00, and I called a few times before someone finally answered the phone.  I explained our situation, and they said to drop her off on my way to work and they'd have a vet look at her ASAP.  I got ready for work in record time, and dropped Tala off.  Feeling guilty as usual, cuz I know how much she hates being at the vet, but not especially worried.  By the time I got to work, I already had a voicemail requesting permission to do x-rays, which I granted.

It was a very slow morning at work, I didn't have a single appointment scheduled.  So I waited with my phone at hand to answer the vet's call.  They called back again about 30 minutes later and asked if I was at work, I said yes but I had time to talk.  The voice on the other end hesitated, then asked if perhaps my husband was available to come down and talk in person.

Oh, no.

I told them he was also at work, and that's when they told me what they found was not good, and that they were going to refer us to an advanced veterinary clinic.  I said I'd be down as soon as I could.  I got permission to leave work at that point, all I wanted was to get my kitty.

Before they brought her out, the vet took a few minutes to tell me what was going on.  I tried to understand, I really did, but I was pretty scared and emotional and not absorbing info very well.  Basically they found fluid in her chest cavity were fluid should not be.  There are a few conditions that can cause this, and all of them are pretty serious.   More tests were needed to pinpoint the cause, hence the referral to the critical/emergency vet clinic.  They gave me the address, a cd of Tala's x-rays, brought me my baby, and off I went. 

Things really become a blur at this point.  When I got to the reception desk at the new clinic, I pretty much just handed them the paperwork and cd my vet had given me to give to them, since I was barely capable of speech by then.  They are obviously used to dealing with people on the verge of hysteria.  A very nice receptionist handed me a box of tissues, took the paperwork, cd, and Tala, after assuring me they would take good care of her, and she wouldn't be left alone at any time while in their care.

We were at that clinic for a long time.  While I waited and worried and went through tissue after tissue until my nose was raw, poor Tala was undergoing more poking, prodding, and x-rays.  A vet tech named Mandy would stop by to give me updates.  I liked her, she had a cheerful, reassuring demeanor that made me feel a little better. 

Finally, the vet came in to give me his diagnosis: Chylothorax.  The sac around Tala's lungs was filled with fluid that had leaked from her lymph ducts, crowding her lungs so they couldn't expand like they should.  Sometimes it can be caused by a blocked lymph duct, trauma, or heart failure.  In Tala's case, no obvious reason was found, this is called "idiopathic chylothorax".  Since no underlying cause can be found, not much can be done to treat it.  The vet drained the fluid out with a syringe so she's currently feeling better.  But this is just a temporary fix, and the fluid will more than likely return in a week or two.

 We could try a surgery to fix the problem, but it's very invasive, dangerous, and only works 20-25% of the time. Our other options are to bring her in when her breathing seems labored to be drained with a syringe again, or have a drain tube implanted.  Both of these, however, only work temporarily. With the syringe, scar tissue builds up making further drainings difficult and painful, and drain tubes inevitably clog. They would only buy us weeks, maybe a couple months.  Although there is a chance it will resolve on it's own, the vet did not sound like he thought that outcome would be likely in our case.

 Things are not looking good for my sweet girl. 



  Tuckered out, sporting a new bald spot.

 







I kept Josh informed over text as all this was going on.  When he got home shortly after we did, his eyes were almost as red-rimmed as mine.  I can deal with being sad, but seeing my big, strong husband like that just about ripped what was left of my heart out. The rest of the evening was pretty teary-eyed and sniffly.  I don't think any of us slept much.  This morning it took me a minute to figure out why I woke up with a lump in my throat and a feeling of dread in my tummy. 

Now that we're back to a fairly normal routine, it's hard to believe that we may have to let her go soon.  She's not 100%, but seems mostly ok, acting very much like her usual self.  But one thing I have learned in the last 36 hours is that cats are very good at hiding pain. I still don't know why all this made her tail go limp. In all the confusion I forgot to ask. It still won't stick up, but it's not as limp and lifeless as it was Monday morning.

 We have a follow-up appointment this coming Monday.  Unless a miracle occurs and no fluid is found, Josh and I will have some tough decisions to make.

Until then, I probably won't get much accomplished.  My tree is still in it's box.  My Christmas cards unsigned and unsent.  Not feeling very festive, and I don't want to do anything but sit here and snuggle with my baby, since I don't know how many more snuggles I'll get.

I Need Dis . . .

Just in case you are unfamiliar with where I got my title, it comes from a meme.  Usually these words accompany the picture of a cat, or other cute fuzzy thing, reaching for something they want, but should probably not have.

 For example:





I have been feeling a lot of these kinds of feelings lately. And not just about food.

Last week I was at PetsMart to pick up my cat's prescription food.  It was a Friday, and the Humane Society comes in on weekends with a few of their animals, to increase chances for them to find homes.  When I go to pet stores, I like to take my time and look at everything. Like visiting a tiny, free Zoo.  As I worked my way back to where the prescription cat food was, I looked over who the Humane Society brought today; a few cats, including some very cute kittens.  A couple small, yappy type dogs, and at the end of the row, a handsome Black Lab named Tonka. He seemed so mellow for only being 2 years old, laying calmly on the floor, watching the people go by. As I was reading his info, we made eye contact. 

I was in love, and was certain the feeling was mutual.

I tried to deny it.  I went over to look at the fishies.  Did you know they have ones that glow neon under black light?  WANT!

I felt like I was being watched, so looked around. Tonka was looking right at me, past the little family who was visiting him.  We made eye contact again, and his tail started to wag. I looked away, not wanting to get attached, but failing miserably. I kept sneaking peeks.  He was always looking at me, tail starting to wag as soon as he saw me looking back.  My mind tried every rationalization it could think of to immediately adopt this beautiful, 88-pound sweetie and take him home to my tiny condo with it's sad excuse for a yard.  But I couldn't do it.  With a breaking heart, I bought the cat food I came for and left.

I told Josh about it when I got home.  I expected him to tell me I was crazy for even considering it, and that he would have divorced me if I had brought a dog home (especially such a large one) without consulting him first.  Instead, he seemed interested.  He's got a soft spot for animals, one of the things I love most about him.  But try as we might, we just couldn't justify bringing a such big dog into our small space. 

A few days later, I checked to see if Tonka got adopted that weekend.  He didn't.  So I told Josh I wanted him, to heck with the condo board and their weight restrictions on dogs.  From the plethora of pit bulls I've seen being walked by, we would not be the first to bend the rules. But this needed to be a joint decision, with both of us 100% sure, or else no go. I asked him to think about it during the week, and that we could talk it out that Friday. 

I tried not to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help picturing taking the dog on my runs.  Having play dates with the Zauggs puppy, Olive.  Long walks, or even hikes in the mountains on weekends.  Trips to Bear Lake. . . Friday came, and I waited nervously for Josh to get home. Sadly, the answer was no.  He thought about it long and hard during the week, and almost gave in a few times.  Although we are planning to move to larger quarters within the next year, we simply do not have the room right now. Not to mention the stress it would cause our spoiled cat, who is used to being the one and only object of affection. Strange as she may be . . .

Yes, she sleeps like this all the time.  No, I don't know how she breathes.

I was a little sad, but I knew Josh was right.  It's ok though, Tonka got adopted, just not by us.  Hopefully by kind people with a nice, big yard.  The doggie bug has bitten me hard, though.  Perhaps I can talk Josh into a someone a little smaller.  Christmas is coming, after all . . .

Speaking of being bitten, I learned a new term last night as I was being a total baby-hog with my newest niece, Emelia.

Isn't she pretty? I want one.

Baby Rabies.

Similar to the White Plague (marriage), it seems to be contagious. And I am surrounded by pregnant people and new babies at work, in our social circle, and in my immediate family.  And after baby-snuggles last night, I have caught Baby Rabies big time.

Clarification: No, I'm not pregnant.  But hormones, the ticking of that pesky biological clock, and peer pressure are telling me I need a baby ASAP. 

Not sure how to communicate this to my husband without totally freaking him out.  (Or if this need will mellow back out to the vague want I'm used to in a week or two)  But right now it's feeling like I need a baby, or at least a dog, in my life soon.  Or I may start dressing up the cat and pushing her in a pram, or become one of those sad women who buy the creepily lifelike dolls and treat them like a living child.

So if my husband suddenly heads for the hills, and I have a new collection of creepy baby dolls complete with names, birthdays, and favorite foods, you'll be able to guess why.

1 Year Ago II

I heard my Bridal March song start, and the doors opened to reveal the room full of loved ones.  Staring at me.  And THAT is when the nerves kicked in. I forgot to look for Chrys's Axl Rose dance, or anything else for that matter. Finding myself as center of attention is the stuff of nightmares for me.  I can't quite remember if I actually did slip and almost fall stepping into the room, or if I was just so afraid I was going to that my brain made it a memory.  I do know it was probably one of the less graceful walks-down-the-aisle Canterbury Place had seen.  I forgot to practice actually walking in my wedding dress.  Up to that point, during pictures and such, to move from point A to point B I would simply hoist the thing up to my knees, walk to where I was going, then let it fall back down to the floor.  Trying to walk without it hoisted, I kept stepping on the hem and stumbling a little.  As much as I tried to convince myself nobody noticed, I'm pretty sure everybody did, since it was about every 2 steps the whole way to the alter. C'est la vie! Good thing I had my Dad to hold me up!

I wish I could remember more of what Judge Dawson said during the ceremony. I don't suppose anyone took notes I can borrow?  I can remember a few things, but not much.  I remember if I looked at Josh for too long I'd start tearing up.  I remember no matter how hard I tried to stand still, my legs kept wiggling.  I remember being distracted by how pretty and sparkly the chandelier was. Next thing I knew, we were officially pronounced man and wife.  There was a little music mix up.  I had given the venue people a CD with the songs for the wedding at our rehearsal, but had since picked a different song to use as our recessional song. Instead of Muse's "Starlight", which is a fine song, I decided I wanted The Scissor Sisters "Best In Me" and gave them the new CD, but the old one was played and "Starlight" it was.  Little bit of a bummer, but we were married, Hooray! so what song we walked back down the aisle to doesn't matter much in the long run.

After that it was a flurry of marriage certificate signings and pictures getting taken.  I had ordered a pair of garters (one for throwing, one to keep) off of Etsy, and they would just not stay put on my chicken-esque legs.  About this time they decided it was time to head south, and a few times I had to find a quiet corner to discreetly reposition one or the other of them from my ankles back to where they were supposed to be.  Awkward.  I was really not very good at the bride thing.  Lots of smiling and posing for pictures, I'm not sure how long that part lasted.  Didn't seem like long to me, but for those trying to keep kids occupied I'm sure it felt like hours.  After we had posed with all of the different combinations of family, it was time to head in for dinner. 

The few things I remember are having to explain to Josh why everyone was clinking their forks on their glasses, realizing that eating in front of an audience feels very weird, wishing I had figured out a way to bustle my dress so I could maneuver around the tables and visit with people, the adorable "kids table" that was my main source of entertainment (particularly Dax and his 100 punch refills.  That boy knows what he likes), and a little bit of the speeches.  I was too much in my own happy, slightly overwhelmed bubble to register much of what was happening around me.  I'm glad The Canterbury provided a nice lady to pretty much babysit us and keep the show going.  I also remember the cheesecake we had for dessert, because I love me some cheesecake.

Let's see, I believe we did the cake cutting next.  Dad had threatened me that if any cake got smushed on either of our faces, we would be paying for the wedding ourselves.  Josh had hinted at maybe getting a little frosting on my nose, but he behaved himself and didn't even do that.  My friend Sarah, who I've known since the 7th grade, has a very nice mom who makes cakes for a hobby, and it was her mom that made our cake.  Unfortunately my cake topper I chose just wasn't cooperating and wouldn't stay put on top of the cake that day, so it was a pretty table decoration instead.  But the cake sure was yummy!  Chocolate with raspberry filling.  MMmmmm.

Are you tired of this yet?  I kinda am.  Almost done!

I had thought it would be fun to have a little dancing at my wedding.  Mostly, I was trying to avoid the dreaded reception line.  I've stood in enough of those as a bridesmaid. Dancing sounded like waaaay more fun.  My parents even took lessons!  Me and Josh didn't, so we just did the "Jr. High Sway".  I tried to foxtrot with my Dad, but again that dang gorgeous dress got in the way.  And the fact that I'm not very graceful to begin with.  Still, those 2 dances might be my favorite memories. 

Josh and I had a very early flight the next morning, so we requested the limousine come early.  I was so excited for that limo!  I'd never been in one before, and who knows if I'll ever get to again.  I had requested the classic limousine, but during the evening got delayed elsewhere. The limo company asked if it was ok if they sent the Hummer limo instead.  To be perfectly honest, I always have and probably always will think those hummer limo are a bit on the ugly and tacky side, but hey, a limo is a limo. 

It was getting late in the evening now, and time to toss the bouquet.  Since I knew there would only be a few single people attending, I had wanted to open the floor to ALL the ladies, and whoever caught the bouquet got a gift card.  Same thing with the fellas and the garter toss.  Hard to overcome tradition, however, so it was still mostly the nieces and nephews that participated.  I can't quite remember who caught the bouquet, if anyone.  I do remember it fell to the floor and broke apart, so most of the little girls were walking around with mini-bouquets.  I think it was Dax who got the garter.  Or his dad, who then handed if off.  Feel free to correct me if I'm not remembering right.

With our ride on en route, it was time to change and get my things ready to go.  I almost cried when I took off my dress.  As cliché as it sounds, I did feel pretty special and princessy that day, and changing back into real people clothes felt a little bit like the magic ending after the Ball. When I bought my dress I had every intention of selling it after the honeymoon, but now I just can't bring myself to do it.  Even though we have no room for it and my parents are keeping it for me.

Anyways . . .

When the limo was ready, Josh and I walked through the sparkler line (good job, everyone!  It was an impressive sight from our perspective) and got in the ginormous limo.  It was HUGE.  I could lay down on the seat and still have plenty of head and foot room.  And it was pretty fancy, with lights everywhere.  After the initial excitement it seemed a bit silly to have such a huge car for just the two of us, but it was lots of fun to feel like a celebrity for a bit.  We had told the driver we were headed for the Radisson by the airport, and figured we'd be there in a few minutes since it was so close.  I'm not sure if the driver was trying to give us our money's worth of time, or if he had to take a longer route that he could maneuver the limo through. Or maybe he was enjoying the company of whoever was up there with him.  Although our driver was a guy, we did hear some rather feminine giggling and one pretty girly sneeze come from the other side of the partition.  We just kept driving and driving and driving.  Josh and I were starting to get a tad worried, but finally we pulled up to the hotel and our wedding was officially over, and married life just starting.

So there it is, our wedding as I remember it. Finally officially blogged.

1 Year Ago

(*Disclaimer*  These wedding posts are mostly for myself, so I can remember what these days were like in the future.  Therefore, they will be full of silly details no one else will care about. I won't be insulted if you bail.)

Next thing I know, it's about 7:45 in the morning, and the alarm on my phone is going off.  I had set it for a few minutes before breakfast was due to arrive, so I wouldn't miss it should I doze off.  Good call on my part! The plan was to veg out in front of the tube all night, or at least until I got drowsy, then set the sleep timer on the TV to turn itself off if I fell asleep.  Instead, I had zonked out so fast that the TV was still on when I woke up.   What I thought would be a long night of jitters and anticipation, turned into a night of dead-to-the-world sleep, and so passed really stinkin' quick. 

So here it was.  The Big Day.  Taa-Dahhhh!

For the past couple weeks, it seemed like every married woman I knew told me horror stories about how nervous they were on their wedding day.  I'd politely listened to harrowing tales of head-to-toe stress-induced hives, fainting, violent vomiting, etc.  Figuring it must be a universal experience, I lay in bed and waited for terror to strike.

And waited . . . and waited . . .Nope.

I felt just fine.  Cozy, calm, happy, . . .and hungry.  My omelet, danishes, and hot chocolate showed up about this time.  (Have I mentioned I love room service?)   The hotel was sneaky, and room service orders had to cost at least $10.  With just the omelet and a beverage, the price would be about $9.50.  The 2-pack of danishes was the least expensive option to bump the price up enough.  I ate most of the omelet (which was huge), and decided to save the danishes for a snack later.  Time to get moving!  Stuff to do!  People to see!

I went back to the Gateway, since I had some gift cards to spend, and also needed to get flower girl and ring bearer gifts.  It was a beautiful day!  Remember how wet and cold April was last year?  Earlier that week I had shivered through my Bridal photos, which had been postponed from earlier in the month due to bad weather.  Finally that day, Spring was looking and feeling like Spring should.  Bright, sunny and wedding-perfect warm!  A cashier asked if I had plans for such a nice day, and almost fell over when I told her I was getting married in just a few hours.

Time to have Brunch with the fam!  I was getting a little nervous by this time.  Not cold feet nervous, but I was worried that I hadn't planned to give myself enough primp time.  One big wedding day regrets is that I was paying too much attention to the clock, and not enough to my family.  Some of whom had traveled a very long way to be there. Dan, Lori, and their family flew in the night before, and Janice and Scott were down from Oregon.  I was happy to see everyone, though!  All the kids seemed to be enjoying seeing each other again, and the food was delicious!

Time flew.  It seems like I had just gotten there, when it was time for me to go back to my hotel room and get ready.  I do wish I would have asked someone to come back with me and keep me company while I was doing my hair and make-up.  I'd been living alone for a few years at this point, and I'm probably more comfortable than I should be with being by myself.  But that day I admit to being lonely while I was primping.  Since I did it myself and kept it simple, I was done in about an hour.  I had originally planned to get my hair professionally done, since that seems to be what brides do. I wanted something very simple, since my veil would be covering it.  Most pictures I saw looked too juvenile and prom-like than what would flatter a 31 year old bride, then BINGO!  I found a nice, simple, twisted bun.  And better yet, it had step-by-step directions, so I could do it myself and not have to worry about scheduling salon time.  I practiced it frequently and got pretty good. But since my hair is my hair, and not the smooth, straight, cooperative hair the model had, I was glad I did have a veil to hide the little bits that insisted on sticking out.  I gathered my dress, veil, and a few other neciessities, and headed up to The Canterbury Place. 

Due to the ginormous bun on the back of my head, my head was at a weird, tilted forward angle during the drive up. Not comfy.  Last thing I needed right now was a crick in my neck, thank goodness it's a short drive.  I got to the Canterbury a few minutes after 4, and saw Josh and his cousin/best man Jesse walking in as I was parking.  I did not for a minute think Josh would jilt me at the alter, but I do admit a small feeling of relief to physically see him there.  Just a quick wave and smile, even though I didn't have my dress on yet. No sense in tempting fate or bad luck or what-have-you.  So up to the Bride's Room . . .

The Bride's Room at the Canterbury Place is a lovely, dreamy, romantic place.  With precisely squat to do, besides get all dolled up.  Since I was already basically done with the doll-ing when I got there, and was waiting on the photographer to get some shots of my dress before putting it on, I was wishing I had an xbox and TV like the Groom's Room has. Absolutely nothing to do and at plenty of time to do it.

 Bored.  Bored.  Boredboredbored.

Time to venture a trip downstairs to see how everything looked all set up. Very much a sneaking down on Christmas morning feeling, except I held myself back from shaking the presents.  I may have "squee"-ed" a time or three. Those blue and purple orchids are now my favorite flower. The dining room looked great, and the arch and chandelier for the ceremony were so pretty!  More cars were coming, so back upstairs to hide until my grand entrance.  Manda was the first to arrive to the inner sanctum,  and brought her fancy phone that could play music.  YAY!!  It must have been feeling the vibes, since all it played were romantical type songs, which for once I didn't mind.  Now that my bridesmaids, Mom, and cute little flower-girls were around, that Bride's Room was way more fun.

This is when time sped up and memories begin to blur.  I remember it was a team effort to get me buttoned into my dress.  The photographer was snapping pictures, and when he had me pose with my mom, and I started to get a tad sniffly.  And then there was the adventure of needing to use the teeny-tiny bathroom in my big, poufy dress.  Another team effort, but no photographer to catch that one.  Then all my wedding party had to leave to be in place for show time and I was all alone for a few minutes.  I was excited and ready to do this thing!  Then my Dad came in, and after a few more moments, it was TIME.

Part II coming soon.